


Sparkling Eyes

by chaneomeonim



Series: Some of My Favorite Songs Inspired This Double B Series [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Double B wrecked me in the best way possible, I Don't Even Know, I don't know why I write this, I'm pretty much bad at tagging at this point, I'm so unhinged for this, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mention of other members of iKON, Post-Canon, almost forget about this, and that's okay, it's 4 am and I haven't even slept yet, literally what have I done, my sanity is deteriorating, semi canon, should I be happy or sad for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29319951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaneomeonim/pseuds/chaneomeonim
Summary: Those sparkling eyes stared at him, silently waited for an answer.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Series: Some of My Favorite Songs Inspired This Double B Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134068
Kudos: 22





	Sparkling Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This work inspired by 'Gold Rush', a song from Taylor Swift's newest album 'evermore.'
> 
> (A serious warning from the start: beware of some internalized homophobia parts that you might find while reading this. If you're not comfortable with that kind of topic, I hope you prioritize yourself first and stop yourself from reading this. I wish you a wonderful day ahead)
> 
> So, here it goes.

Bobby started his day by waking up earlier than usual. The clock on the wall of his bedroom ticked slowly in deafening silence as he stared at his phone as soon as he opened his eyes. It’s 4.30 am. He only got 3 hours of sleep and he knew it because he counted the time he got back from his studio and the exact time he woke up on his bed. A very precious 3 hours of sleeping time he could say. In the middle of comeback period like this, getting a blink of sleep was the most amazing thing you could ever hope to have and he considered himself lucky enough this time, what a good way to begin this exhausting cycle of promotion.

He didn’t want to lie, promoting the stuffs he did, whether it’s his own stuffs or his team stuffs, were so tiring that he could think of giving up pretty much the second his body hit the lowest condition, when he couldn’t even lift his own fingers after days of activities. He thought about throwing it all away and flew somewhere until he couldn’t be found anymore. Those thoughts could get stronger if he’s not in the right state of mind, and all he could do when those things happened was to hold himself steady, to correct himself and tried to see the bright side of things for too many times already. At least holding himself back still worked each time he happened to stumble on those conditions. At least he could get a grip of things that were happening inside his own mind.

Swimming dangerously deep in his own thought made him unaware of his own surrounding and he was right about that when he saw his manager already stood right at the front of his opened bedroom door and watched him from afar. No expression was detected on his manager’s face, maybe because it was still dark outside and he didn’t sleep with his light on too so he couldn’t see clearly.

“I see you have woken up already. Be quick, we need to go immediately.”

That’s the only thing his manager said before he closed the door and left Bobby by himself. He didn’t reply to what his manager have said but he absolutely knew his manager didn’t need to wait for any cue. He once again checked on his phone and he saw that it’s almost 5 am. He literally had to get ready if he didn’t want to be late. As he checked for other things on his phone, he saw a notification came and his phone vibrated on his hand. He didn’t read what that notification said because he quickly turned his phone off, didn’t want to procrastinate any longer as he saw his manager came back to his room and peeked at him from his slightly closed door.

A Busy day proceed as usual, he went to the salon to do the hair-style for the stage and then went to the broadcasting center for his stage recording. He wore his make up and tried his outfit. A day he usually had when he was with his teammates too. Nothing new and nothing changed, except some stuffs about audience based on what had been going lately. He prepared for everything and hoping they would run smoothly, flawlessly, which was never really the case because minor mistakes happened all the time. But he was still glad he could get through all of it without serious problems or injuries and safely finished his whole schedule.

He exited his dorm when the sun was still sleeping and he went back to his place when the sun already disappeared from the horizon. He looked at his watch as his manager sat in front of the steer wheel, brought him back from all the ruckus this day had offered. It’s currently 11.30 pm, “Not that late”, he thought. He still had time to do anything before other schedules that would occur in a few hours. His thought juggled between going to the studio or going straight home. As if his manager could read his mind, his manager suddenly asked him, “Studio or dorm?’

Bobby looked at his manager for a second and then averted his gaze back to the road. He was thinking of going back to the studio at first, stayed there and get a decent amount of sleep to rest his body a bit. But he changed his mind right at the moment his manager went to the direction of his studio.

“I think we should just go back to the dorm. I kinda want to sleep on my bed tonight.”

“Alright then.”

His manager changed lane and made a U-turn, this time driving them to the dorm and letting the rest of the trip filled with silence.

A few minutes passed and they finally arrived at the parking lot of the apartment where his dorm was located. He got out from the car and waited for his manager to do the same and then they walked together to the nearest elevator. This moment felt so serene that it almost made Bobby slept on the elevator. The ding sound from the elevator startled him a bit and made his manager chuckled. He said goodbye to Bobby because he needed to get out from the elevator and got back to his own place. They actually didn’t live on the same floor and Bobby literally forgot about that. Bobby waved his hand at him as he the elevator door closed and brought him to the place he was familiar with.

Walking from the elevator to the apartment unit where he and half of his teammates lived felt like an eternity. The sound of his foot steps could be heard from meters away and he hoped no one would jump at him and scared the shit out of him. A funny thought in the middle of the night like this was something he would always have and he somehow appreciated because it pushed other thoughts – mostly ugly thoughts – away from occupying his mind. Especially in one of these days, he felt that need of having silly thoughts to let his mind calmed by itself, to let himself loose and relaxed,

He opened the front door of his dorm and welcomed by darkness because his teammates might have slept, or just doing things in their own room. He walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of water when he saw a message in a piece of paper from Jinhwan on refrigerator door.

' _We had tteokbokki and some fried dumplings for dinner and we also bought you some. Hope you have the time to eat it.’_

Bobby smiled at that message and he went to dining table and found a bunch of foods, still wrapped in plastic wrapper. He directly washed his hands and ate all the foods that had been given to him.

While he was eating, he took his phone out from his pocket and turned it on. It’s been more than 12 hours since he touched it. He didn’t have time to even look at his phone because he was so busy and he was alone. He didn’t have any break because he didn’t need to wait for anyone to get ready and his schedule was really packed today. Perhaps that’s why Jinhwan left a note to let him know about the food they had bought for him because Jinhwan couldn’t contact him. He laughed at that for no reason, he just found it funny.

He finished all the food that had been given to him and connected his phone to internet so he could finally open his SNS. He remembered the notification he got this early morning and he saw his phone as it was ringing non-stop from all the notifications he usually got.

He saw that notification again but this time, his movements stop altogether while staring at his phone screen in disbelieve.

Was it real? The notification he just saw? From the the number he knew and memorized clearly because it didn’t change, even after all this time?

Bobby still stared at his phone and didn’t dare to click on that notification. He didn’t want to, it felt so unreal to him that he couldn’t believe his own eyes when he saw it. There was no special occasion or anything like that so it was weird for that notification to appear. Why did this person suddenly message him in the middle of the dawn?

He fought all the urge in him to not read that message. He knew, he had ignored this person a few times and he had planned to ignore it again this time. But because it was so out of the blue, he couldn’t help but clicked on that notification. He felt himself slowly falling into pieces while reading the entire message internally.

_“I have listened to your album and I just want you to know that I like it a lot. I miss you and if you want to talk to me, just text me back. I’m right here.”_

No way, no fucking way, no fucking way in a million years. That person had listened to his album? Like his entire album that he put out with some words he could never say directly? The album with an ambiguous muse for some but for him it’s as clear as day? That couldn’t be true. He literally wished that wasn’t the truth.

No matter how many times he read that message, it still said the same thing and horrifying thoughts finally settled in his brain.

Did that person find out about his true intention behind his album? Did that person discover something that made that album uncomfortable to listen to? Did that person catch on some parts in that album and find it too much?

Bobby ruffled his hair in frustration because those thoughts absolutely made him uneasy. He could hear his heartbeats on his ear, it’s faster than what it’s supposed to be and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like the fact that this message had so much power on him that it made him felt so restless.

The nervousness didn’t go away even after a few minutes of him staring blankly at the kitchen wall so he decided to run to his room and slowly locked the door. He had removed his make up when he had done with his activities with the thought that he could directly sleep as soon as he crashed on his bed, but right now, with the amount of annoying things his brain tried to display and got him into his overthinking session, he couldn’t do much.

If he could choose to between letting it go and never acknowledging it, he would choose the second option. He would rather go blind with whatever feelings he had and acted like it was never there on the first place. But the thing was, he couldn’t do it, even if he could summon all of the things in the universe to help him, he still couldn’t do it

It felt reckless in the most dangerous way. The line between platonic feeling and romantic feeling slightly blurred in his head and it scared the shit out of him. He shouldn’t cross the line but at the same time he couldn’t see any line. His brain frantically told him that this situation might have been getting out of hand, he then insisted to stop doing the things they normally had with each other. He distanced himself from that person, avoiding any skinships possible, tried his best not to lose his cool when they accidentally touched, literally giving everything he had to resist any temptations. To be in the place where misunderstanding couldn’t reach him, where things wouldn’t get more confusing.

For a while, it felt like a safe haven. He was free from any demanding thoughts his feeling tried to imply. He didn’t feel the need to be afraid anymore as it finally didn’t matter that much because it had passed him by. But then, that situation didn’t last longer than he thought it would because shits were about to go down hill from there.

It was around the time when they were told that their agency wanted to debut them as a sub-group. It’s actually not that surprising because people had expressed their opinions on them being a sub-group and liking that idea. He also knew that it would come sooner or later so he prepared himself for that. He wrote some of his songs and worked a lot in his studio. At first, they agreed to work separately because inspiration mostly hit them when they were by themselves. But then, they discovered some inconveniences when they wanted to make the song that represented them as a duo, it needed both of their brains. So they arranged a schedule when they would get together and in which studio they would meet. One full week, they would gather in that person’s studio and another full week they would work in Bobby’s studio.

Bobby as usual, being the older brother to that person, showing his best interest in taking a good care of that person. He usually ordered them some foods while they were in his studio or he would go to nearest convenience store and got them some snacks to fill their empty stomach when it’s not the time for them to have a big meal yet. He would ask that person about things related to their project or having some kind of deep talk when the day had been rough for both of them. It was like the old day, Bobby thought. When things were just the way they were. No feelings involved, no burdensome attachments. It was just them being themselves in their own bubble.

Things took a different turn a few weeks after their arrangement of getting together to discuss the future of their sub-group. Half of the songs for their album had been finished and in a few days they had to present it to their agency’s executives for further directions. It was 2 am, or so, Bobby didn’t exactly know because clock wasn’t available in his studio. That day had gone pretty well because there was no threatening obstacle when they were in the middle of creating another song for their album. It was one happy day for both of them as pressure didn’t play a big role like it usually did. They had a good time while practically sitting in silence together.

Out of nowhere, that person suddenly look at Bobby with a creased forehead and asked him the question Bobby actually never wanted to hear.

“That love song you had showed me last week. Where is it?”

To told you Bobby wasn’t shocked when heard this was a big lie. Yes, he showed that person the song he wrote when he was still distancing himself from that person and questioning every single thing that came up to his mind about anything he thought he always knew. And yes, he pretended to be brave and suggested some songs as alternative for them to consider including that damn stupid love song because that person looked so tired at that time and he felt terrible for not asking why. And another yes because that song sucked so bad. Like really really bad. It was just him ranting about this indescribable feeling he had and how it made him weak all over, how it almost took his sanity away.

Bobby felt like a deer caught in the headlights as he found himself couldn’t form a single word and replied that person’s question.

“ _hyung,_ you ok?”

Bobby was snapped back to reality when he heard another question from that person and the only thing he could do was giving that person a nod, trying his best to assure the other that he was definitely fine (when he’s really not)

He looked at his backpack and got something out of it, a USB drive. He plugged that USB drive into one of the port and searched for the music file he had save there.

That awful and stupid love song.

He clicked the icon of that file and they listened to it in full concentration.

‘ _Why should I feel sorry when it’s never my intention to be_

_Why should I feel happy when I know it’s never gonna be_

_Why should I be this way when it will never be that way_

_Why_ _should I feel the pain when it’s useless to be in vain_

_Tell me the name of this feeling, tell me the reason of its existence_

_Tell me if this really the love that I’ve been waiting_

_Or is it just another road I’ll never be taking_

_Who knows those beautiful fluttering butterflies in you_

_Can be the most painful thing to ever happen to you_

_Is it supposed to be like this, to fall but never land_

_I call your name in the rain, hope to meet you in neverland_

_And maybe get to taste what my dream has offered me_

_Or as the day goes by, I will just let it softly killing me._ ’

The song had come to an end, at this point Bobby kinda realized that this wasn’t a love song to begin with. It’s actually hurtful to listen to. It’s like opening up an old wound that had not been healed and he didn’t feel the need to talk about it at all. On the other side, The person who sat next to him had a very peculiar expression, there’s no smile or frown that could be detected. It’s like a mix between confusion, sadness and curiosity.

And It looked like the curiosity was the most prominent thing as that person threw the most treacherous question into thin air, the question that should never be asked

“It’s rare for you to write tough things like that. Did you have anything particular in your mind when you made that, or maybe anyone?”

Bobby felt his entire being became numb the second that question entered his hearing. He’s not ready for this situation, he even never imagined this situation could actually ensue. He didn’t even have any scenario in his head that prepare him to properly answer without uncovering it too much and left no space for white lies. He never knew this day would come, when he would be trapped in a place, face-to-face with his secret muse, who looked at him right in the eyes, as those sparkling eyes stared at him, silently waiting for an answer.

An answer he didn’t know if it would be worth it.

If it would worth the hardships Bobby had put himself into, if it would worth all the quiet longings, unreachable distances, all the sickening feelings he had tried his best to bury. If it would worth the relationship they had, the friendship that they kept, the time they had spent together. If it would worth their journey to get to this point, with their teammates building the dream team, through the rise and the fall.

And Bobby decided that his answer wasn’t worth any of those. His answer wasn’t important at all. And he thought he should pat himself on the head for going through every possibility in just a split second, as he broke the staring contest they incidentally held while having this Q&A moment and stood up from his chair.

“Nothing in particular. Come on, it’s getting late. I think we should go back to our dorm.”

And with that, Bobby closed whatever chapter he had on his mind about this secret muse. It’s always been risky from the start and he was a fool for believing he could letting it walk away without feeling a literal pain sinking deep into his mind. He’s not strong, he was never from the start and he chose to hide it, carefully, behind his neutral expression as he grabbed his bag and looked at the person who was preparing to go back to dorm with him. The expression on that face was unreadable, Bobby didn’t know what else to say so he just glanced at that person who gave him a little smile, just a little.

“Come on _hyung_ , let’s go.” And they walked away from Bobby’s studio side by side, but accompanied by silence.

Days went just like that and they had finished their meeting with the executives. Nothing much happened and it somehow went out of the track. That person he was supposed to have duo with even got an offer to do a duet with another artist in their label and that person couldn’t help but agree because it had more certainty than the actual project on their hands.

And then, bad things happened, it continued to happen that he couldn’t even count it anymore. It happened again, and again, and again, and again…

Bobby had stared at his bedroom ceiling for God-Who-knew-How-Long when he reached out for his phone who had lied with him on his bed. It’s currently 3 am and he basically had less than 2 hours to get ready for his promoting schedule for the day. His mind had gone so far away he almost thought he was dreaming. It wasn’t a nice experience to recall those not-so-fun days just because of some words that had been delivered to him. But it somehow made him felt lighter, like it actually gave him a wider sense of what had been going on for the last couple of years.

He was sad, of course he was. He also was mad too, mostly at himself for everything that had happened, but he couldn't do anything about it.

Actually, It was weird to never mention his name in public anymore, but he knew that no matter what, the owner of that name had a very special place in his heart.

He swiped his phone screen and found that messaging app. Perhaps he had been tired of ignoring, perhaps he had felt sad for not listening, perhaps he felt bad for not answering question in the past. But it had happened and he couldn’t change it. Time has taught him a lot about that

He opened that app and typed the number he could easily remember because it’s always on the back of his head. He noticed that he deleted that contact’s name and he slightly chuckled at that. He must had deleted it along the way, when things were too much for him to take. He added that contact’s name back and replied it. A brief reply that represented whatever he was feeling at the moment. The reply he sent before he finally settled comfortably on his bed and closed his eyes, hoping to get any sleep.

“ _I’m glad you like it, and I miss you too, Hanbinnie_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, I can give you another part of an ongoing series that I have decided to make. As you can see, the story from this part is somehow related to the story from previous part I have posted, and it's actually my intention at first because I want to make a continuation from the story I've written before.
> 
> But sadly, this story line needs to end here. I feel like I've explored enough and I've decided not to use this story line anymore when I update this on-going series.
> 
> So later, if you find another story that I include in this series but it doesn't connect well to the story that has been uploaded before, don't be confused because I literally make it that way.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this and thank you so much for all the feedbacks you guys have given me, love you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> Also, please support iKON, B.I, each of them with all of your heart. They deserve every kindness for the hard work they had done, for staying strong no matter how hard the situations become, for getting up after falling too many times. Please give them all the love this world can offer.


End file.
